Staying Connected (even when disagreeing)

You just had an argument with your student. Or, think this topic of conversation will result in an argument. Then what? I’d say more often than not this results in each of you retreating to your corners and not talking. Disconnect! That may feel safer than expressing your anger or being on the receiving end of their anger. Not easy, for sure. That distance can feel safe, or at least may feel like a buffer. I again, then what? Kicking the can down the road works until it doesn’t. It may not work at all. 

Here’s my pitch. Try to find a way to stay connected even when disagreeing, arguing, or in conflict. Hard to do. Yes, especially if this is not something you would typically do. Try this: call it for what it is: “yes, I know you don’t like what I’m saying” or “I know you’re angry” or “this is hard” –saying the obvious may seem hard to do yet it actually can defuse the emotion and allow both of you to step back. 

Why is this effective? If you argue and retreat to your respective corners, there is no conversation. No chance to work through this or even agree to disagree. Isolation makes it worse. You both are alone with your feelings, your thoughts, and that can easily get worse–you imagine this or that they are thinking or doing. When in reality, they may be doing the same thing and each of you are spinning up a new story of bad feelings, or guilt, or whatever, that really is not productive. Reach out. You can disagree and still convey your caring. Acknowledge it’s uncomfortable, and acknowledge it is better to be together than to be isolated.