The Potted Plant Approach: Positive Parenting Connectionn
Have you ever thought of being a potted plant? Wait, what? Yes, it’s a parenting technique, particularly for teenagers. Let’s think about it as a contrast to direct questions. You ask a direct question like, where are you going? How was the party? How did it go with the test? And the responses? Maybe you get a direct answer and have a pleasant conversation. Or, some push-back with grunts and sighs. My point is not to stop direct questions altogether. Rather, give yourself options. Be a potted plant. Just being around. You are physically there and not pushing any agenda or asking questions. Like a potted plant, they know where you are and can look over (or talk) to you if they want. You are there if they need you, on their terms.
With your college student living away from home, it’s different because you are not physically there. The strategy is to play the long game. What I mean is slowly, gently establish a foundation that lets them know you are there if and when they need you. The idea is to use this as one way to keep the connection and whatever positive things are part of that, for them and for you. Here are two practical approaches (feel free to improvise as you see fit).
Send periodic texts with no expectations for a response: “I’m thinking of you”, “Just saying hi”, “I love you”--now their response may be, “what do I do with that?” It will require a conversation to say, I like sending you texts, no expectations. If you want to respond, great, if not, that’s okay too.
A slightly more active approach is to schedule a regular time to talk or FaceTime. I don’t mean to say this is the only time to talk. It’s more along the lines of open office hours with mom or dad. They know where you are, at that time, if they want to talk. It’s on their terms.
Both may work, or neither may work. Parenting like most things requires experimenting with what works and what doesn’t. The key point is that it comes from your love and in whatever way that gets across, your college student knows that your love is there.
